The Subtle Art of Doubting Yourself (Even When You're Killing It)

Hello Everyone.

I want to talk about something that I think is quite common when being female. This may not apply to all women out there of course, but I will phrase my thoughts as if I am talking to all of you out there who share my point of view, because I genuinely believe that a lot of us suffer in silence. So, today's reflection is about that deeply irritating moment when we accomplish something objectively impressive, like leading a project, landing a promotion, or surviving a meeting that should’ve been an email, and instead of basking in glory, our brain goes: “Cute. But are you sure you didn’t just get lucky?” and while everyone else is high‑fiving us, we’re quietly running a one‑woman internal investigation to determine whether we actually deserve any of it. Oh yes…that moment…

Welcome to the glamorous world of female self‑doubt, where even success comes with a receipt and return policy.

Let me tell you a story that happened to me.

Quite recently, after achieving a huge milestone, one of those “I aged a decade years in less than a year” situations, I was invited to present the outcome to a senior leadership team. Mostly men - very confident, very loud.

The presentation went brilliantly. People nodded in approval. Someone even said the words, “Outstanding work.”

But here’s where things got unhinged.
As I finished, one of the senior guys leaned back and said,
“Impressive. You must feel proud.”

And instead of saying, “Yes, thank you, I worked my butt off,” my mouth, which had clearly disconnected from my brain, blurted out “Oh I’m sure there are bits that could have been much better.”...As if I had only glued macaroni to a sheet of paper and called it a permitting strategy.

To make things even worse, I started nervously rambling...the ancient curse of competent women everywhere.... I pointed out all the tiny imperfections no one even noticed. I downplayed the success. I practically apologised for my own excellent outcome.

And the room of men? They looked… confused. One of them literally said,
“Wait, did something go wrong?”
No, nothing went wrong. I just cannot accept praise without emotionally self‑combusting....(needless to say I didn't verbalise this bit).

Later, one of my female colleagues told me, “You know they would’ve taken that as confidence if you’d said, ‘Yes, it was great.’ Men don’t do this apologising thing.”

And it hit me....my self-doubt had not only made me uncomfortable, it had made them think my work and amazing outcome wasn’t good enough.
If I could have teleported myself to an isolated place underground where noone would hear me scream, I would have...

I still lay awake sometimes, thinking about that moment...wanting to go back and correct it...but, there is no undo in life.

Here’s the annoying thing...As women, we can have evidence stacked sky‑high that we crushed it; spreadsheets, outcomes, glowing reviews...and yet still hear that internal gremlin whispering, "Was it really that good?"... "Did I say something weird in that meeting?"..."Did I breathe too loudly?"..."Maybe no one’s noticed the flaws yet — give them time"…
It’s like imposter syndrome and perfectionism had a baby and fed it espresso.

Men, meanwhile, will send one email and strut out of the office like they’ve personally solved world peace.

And what makes things worse is that the men can feel our doubt. Just like sharks can smell a drop of blood in the ocean, men notice our hesitation, even when we think they don’t. Men in the workplace don’t always notice subtle emotional dynamics. They don’t see new haircuts. They don’t notice that we may have reorganised our entire section of the office.

But hesitation? Lack of certainty? Dimming our own spotlight?
Oh, they notice that!

Not because they’re intuitive, or smarter than us, but because hesitation creates a vacuum that confidence immediately fills. And in most rooms, they’re very, very comfortable filling that space.

We soften our point with, “This may be a silly idea but…”
We hedge your expertise with, “I’m not sure, but maybe…”
We present brilliant work while looking like you’re apologising for breathing.

To us, it feels like humility. To them, it can look like lack of conviction.
And that’s the frustrating part...sometimes our internal self-doubt leaks externally in ways you never intended.

Men do one job - the actual job.
Women, on the other hand...well, we do the actual job, as well as the never-ending emotional juggling of questioning, “Did I talk too much?”...“Did I not talk enough?”...“Did I sound confident?”...“Did I sound aggressive?”... “Did I sound like I’ve swallowed a textbook?”...“Did I look like I was trying too hard to not look like I was trying too hard?”...

It’s exhausting. It’s invisible. And it’s a full-time position with absolutely no benefits.

And here comes the big reveal... the part we seem to regularly forget...If we’re doubting ourselves, it’s because we care. Self-doubt isn’t a sign we’re incapable — it’s a sign we’re invested. The people who never question themselves are usually the ones who probably should.

Imagine… just imagine if…
We accepted a compliment without deflecting.
We said, “Thank you, yes — I’m proud of the work.”
We stopped cushioning brilliant ideas with disclaimers.
We let our voice be as strong as our results.

What would happen?...

Everybody, including the men, would accept it instantly. Because confidence is contagious. And when women own their success, something shifts in the whole room.

We would no longer be the one chasing validation. We would be the ones setting the tone.

And honestly? It’s about time.