The Delicate Balance of Trust

Hello again.

I hope everyone is well and keeping safe - physically and mentally.

Today, I want to share my thoughts on secrets, confidentiality and privacy. Three very different words that are utterly intertwined to shape human interaction and the framework of much needed trust, but yet could not be more distinct from each other, while their balance requires constant negotiation among evolving norms, ethical dilemmas and advancing technology, while daily testing everyone’s boundaries.

So, what is a secret?

A secret, at its core, is information that is intentionally concealed, often to protect oneself or others, and is (or should) only shared voluntarily by the person who holds the information. Secrets can strengthen bonds - sharing them fosters intimacy, while keeping them honours trust. Yet, they can also be a source of harm, particularly when the burden of keeping or revealing them causes conflicts, emotional or ethical. Striking the right balance between disclosure and discretion is a complex moral decision, especially when secrets intersect with one’s immediate closest network - whether that is family or friends and the well-being of others.

Everyone has secrets…and choosing who to tell and when to tell should be a very private matter.

Confidentiality, on the other hand, is a a lot more public and has to do with the professional and ethical obligation to protect shared information. Present in any workplace environment, it is the backbone of any workplace, ensuring individuals feel secure enough to share sensitive details without fear of exposure. It is so important in fact, that all employers are obligated to educate their employees about GDPR and confidentiality. For instance, a patient trusts their doctor to keep medical records private, knowing this confidentiality is critical to effective care. However, confidentiality is not absolute; exceptions arise when there is a legal or moral duty to disclose information for things such as workplace fairness, to prevent harm in the workplace or to even aid public safety.

But, where it gets tricky, is when one person’s secret is shared confidentially in the workplace and discussed openly among the wider team. The reason for why this is done, whether it is to be used as an example for betterment or as something to avoid or due to a colleague’s concern over another, is not relevant. The important thing is that the conscious decision was made to break the trust between the person opening up about their secret in confidence with a specific someone and that same someone choosing to share that sacred secret with a wider forum. No matter how one sees it, or why it is done, to me it is inexcusable, unprofessional and almost bordering on unethical.

There is nothing worse than sharing something with a friend, who happens to be a colleague, in private, only to find out that one’s precious secret is then shared anonymously in the workplace and whispered about. Think back to how hurt we have all felt as young children when we found out that our best friend had told on us; or how betrayed we felt as teenagers when we got into trouble when our parents had found out about our secrets because someone had told them to cover up their mess; or as adolescents when we were utterly distraught by humiliation when the person we had a crush on, had found out, again because someone had chosen to tell for their selfish reasons…Sadly, I was reminded of this feeling very recently when I told a friend colleague at work a secret about how I felt about something that bothered me in the professional environment and some concerns I had about certain things, only to find out a few weeks later, that my secret was no longer a secret and had been shared with others - either for gossip, or to test a theory, or to challenge a way forward for the team. Needless to say I was outraged….hurt…disappointed…and yet again, I came to realise that just because I act a certain way and perceive a secret as something sacred, not all people do the same.

Why do people share others’ secrets anyway? Is it to be popular? Is it because somehow most of us are quite selfish and think that by showing we know something about someone else that nobody else knows and hence, we are better than the mass? Is it because we simply can…?

Scary thought….

So, without wanting to preach, my little ramble today is because I just wanted to remind people that secrets and confidentiality are cornerstones of human relationships and societal function, each carrying a profound significance. Everybody has secrets and each and every secret out there, is something sacred, while representing distinct layers of information. And it is up to us, whether it is in our private relationships or our work relationships, to ensure the control of boundaries and the sharing of any of this information, as this is vital to fostering trust, safeguarding autonomy, allowing development of healthy relationships and maintaining integrity, as well as aiding mental health.

Anything or anyone who blurs the lines between private and public information and how it is shared, should be questioned about and, dare I say it (?) punished somehow. Sadly, in a work environment, it is not as easy as deleting someone form Facebook or ditching a friend…

Let’s all remember to keep trying to be kind to each other by thinking about others, and not just ourselves.

Speak soon.