Criticism & Compliments

Another busy week and I hope we all managed to battle through with minimal mental scarring or perhaps even better, none at all.

Today, I will start by asking two questions.

Question 1: Are you good at accepting criticism? Needless to say that this is not a conversation, and I cannot see your reactions or for the more vocal of you, hear your responses, but I imagine that a lot of you are not instinctively saying yes. Because, let’s be honest, nobody likes being told something negative, even if it is intended constructively.

Question 2: Are you good at accepting compliments? I suspect that, if you are being truly honest to yourself, there are even less of you saying yes to my second question. And though, it is almost a given that not many of us like criticism, it doesn’t quite make sense to me that actually fewer people among us, find being complimented quite uncomfortable.

Why is that I wonder? Why do we lack grace when it comes to accepting feedback, both bad and good? And I am the first to hold my hand up and admit this. I am not an expert in human interactions or what makes us all tick, but I love observing people, and you can probably tell, I (over)analyse how we behave, and therefore, I think that I am ok to share my thoughts on this.

I believe the reason why many of us find it difficult to take criticism, is also the same reason that many of us find it difficult to accept compliments. It boils down to a lack of trust in our own self-worth, and how both compliments and criticism make us become more conscious of this fact.

To be clear, when I say a lack of assurance in our self-worth, I’m not necessarily talking about a complete lack of self-esteem. Those, in my opinion, are two distinct things. What I am referring to, is more about knowing who you are, rather than about liking yourself. More specifically, it's about having an unwavering sense of self.

I've spent a lot of time working on my sense of self-worth, and even though I've made significant progress in this area, I still have a long way to go, before I feel completely at ease with who I am.

I think that when someone has an innate sense of worth, it's easy to hear, absorb and accept criticism, as well as compliments. It might make someone uncomfortable to get a compliment if they don't think it's justified, because of what they often incorrectly think about themselves. From my observations, the compliments seem to serve as a prompt to acknowledge the areas in which people fall short of their own unrealistic expectations.

Similarly, when criticism is given to someone who struggles with self-worth, the recipient may lack the confidence, which contributes to humility, required to have the open heart and mind to hear this feedback. It serves as a reminder once more, of the ways in which they fall short of their own impossible standards.

I think, having grace with oneself is often easier said than done though.

Over the course of the past year or so, one of my individual objectives has been to improve my ability to accept both compliments and criticism. Because I am aware that this is an area I struggle with and I certainly don’t like this about me.

I can't stand it when somebody gives me a pat on the back and almost uncontrollably, I rush to highlight the way that I've fallen short on something or what I could have done better, like I'm saying 'sorry' for my success. I hate it when someone gives me constructive criticism, and my immediate reaction is to want to defend myself.

I've been consciously working on improving these traits for some time. Although I believe I still have a long way to go, I am happy to admit that I feel like I have made progress. However, my progress has not been based on the actual compliments or criticisms themselves; rather through my focus on strengthening my sense of self-worth. How do I do this? I almost feel embarrassed to admit it here, because the response is so simple but, I push myself to be my own best friend.

What does this mean? It means that I put on my "best friend hat" and rewind back to the moments when I catch myself of thinking or saying something negative about me. I try to think, "How would I respond if someone said the same thing about one of my closest friends?". I'd most likely defend them to unimaginable lengths and so, I force myself to think in the same way on behalf of myself.

It means that I have to play the compliment game all us generally play with our friends when we see them. We praise their hair, their skin, their new position, their clothes, their adorable dog …and personally, I could go on about their beautiful traits and amazing qualities for hours. So, I try to do the same for myself in the spirit of being my own best friend. Every night before going to bed, I try to give myself a sincere compliment as a result of this practice.

Of course, this means also having the same level of honesty that we owe to our best friends, with my own self. This obviously, is where the criticism comes in. Self-worth should not be about false confidence, but actually about authenticity and truth. So in bed, after I've found the strength to give myself a compliment, I additionally ask myself how I might have improved. Is there a place where I failed or where I could have done more? I encourage myself to answer without holding back or hiding the truth, and my internal best friend thanks me.

Last but not least, it means that I am taking care of myself, the same way that I take care of those closest to me, by giving myself the same attention as I would to them. This requires pushing myself outside of my comfort zone and knowing when to take a deep breath.

So, if you are anything like me, you probably agree that compliments frequently make us feel awkward and possibly that criticism can be worse. However, I am also aware that both accepting criticism and compliments, are both things that help us develop and grow. And this is something, I work on, each and every day.

PS. This is a safe space and hence I feel comfortable enough to write openly; so please don’t take the above brain dump as me saying that I don’t want compliments or criticism on my posts. Please keep them coming 😊