A Piece of a Puzzle

It has been a while since my last post...

Life has a funny way of 'happening' every so often and for me this results in the balance of my 'musts' vs my 'likes' to shift significantly. So, even though I thoroughly enjoy sharing my thoughts with the universe (and any of you out there who may take the time to read my ramblings), I have recently neglected me and the enjoyment I get from my cathartic writing and have gone silent.

It has been a tough couple of months for various little reasons that, though each of them are individually small and unimportant, they eventually accumulated and became a huge, brick wall blocking my way. And when that happened, the realisation hit me like running into a brick wall would, in that I have been neglecting myself and I have allowed things, which I have known instinctively were not right for me to weed in and choke my balance, my likes, my life.

I lead a small life, worthwhile but small, full of my little rituals and unique habits, which is divided between time with loved ones and work. And if you are anything like me, work occupies the largest part of my life. Work keeps me going, keeps me company on most nights when I cannot sleep, gives me purpose, make me feel good about myself and equally, work can get me down when I feel I have not met my standards. And work occupying the biggest part of my life in terms of time and also of importance second to my son, is not in itself a bad thing. In fact, it is a great thing, as I am lucky to be able to choose my work and my role, have a voice about what I do and work for and with people I admire and respect. Work is a huge part of my identity - I am proud of what I do, I am proud of how hard I work, I am proud of how I contribute and help others around me, I am proud of how I grow and of my results.

However, while dealing with my little somethings recently, I felt stressed, pressured, off, unhappy even. I kept attributing it to life pressures and London's rhythm, but one long night of staring at my lap top while trying to find the motivation to respond to an email, the brick wall hit me. It was one of these moments when the lightbulb goes off in our head and everything becomes crystal clear. I had been feeling tired and exhausted and stressed and anxious, not because of the recent life things I had been juggling with, but because, over the past few months, I had been struggling to find the motivation and pride to do my work. And I had been struggling to do that, because I no longer knew what my work was, what my role and responsibilities were...a misplaced jigsaw piece with no puzzle to fit into.

A scary thought....what had happened? Had my work one day just changed? Had my work changed shape and boundaries without that having been communicated clearly? Had my role I loved so much and took pride in doing and had been pushing myself to improve at and perform better in, all of a sudden become fogged and my stress and anxiety was due to me trying to re-define my work, my role and essentially identity, while working hard to remember what it was I liked about it in the first place?

I may sound dramatic, but it hurt immensely when I hit that realisation brick wall and admitted to myself that work was no longer what it used to be. While focussed on my other life things, I had ignored the obvious...the biggest part of my life had changed without me realising and that is what had been causing me a huge amount of stress and anxiety, while I was subconsciously trying to re-define my work and find meaning again.

Work and role confusion sadly can not be overlooked and ignored. It is not merely a fleeting moment of uncertainty; it can significantly impact personal growth and happiness. Having felt it and been unknowingly experiencing it for a while, role confusion can severely undermine ones self-esteem and self-confidence. When one lacks clarity about their identity and place in the world, it becomes challenging to feel secure within oneself. It resembles constructing a building on unstable ground or without foundations...eventually it will become severely damaged or collapse.

Additionally, when contending with work confusion, establishing meaningful relationships with others can prove to be an overwhelming challenge . How can one forge deep connections with others when there is uncertainty about one’s own identity? It feels like trying to fit a piece or multiple pieces into a jigsaw puzzle without knowing the final image one is trying to assemble. Without a clear sense of direction, it’s challenging to set and pursue goals effectively. This can lead to underachievement or a series of false starts in various fields.

Prolonged role confusion can be particularly troubling, as it may lead to mental health challenges. The ongoing uncertainty and self-doubt can create an environment ripe for anxiety and depression. It feels like being stuck in a never-ending state of limbo, which can be both draining and harmful to your mental health. And I know this for a fact...my mental well being suffered. I have felt lost, miserable and uninspired. And sadly, I don't think this will change any time soon.

So, as I sit here putting my thoughts into a partly digressed rambling, I can confirm that my realisation brick wall hitting me, and sadly the sudden death of a friend which of course reminded me of how short life is, led me to make the decision and resign from my beloved job. It has been an incredibly hard decision to make because it was a huge part of my life. I have met some beautiful people, who are all brilliant professionally and who have taught me a lot, and some of which I am lucky to be able to now call friends. But, though I may not have wanted to leave, I know that I will continue to feel like the misplaced jigsaw puzzle piece. And hence, I need to move on...so that I find my calm, my motivation and my sense of pride in myself.

Onwards and upwards as they say...looking forward to my new adventure.

Speak soon.